JUST PUBLISHED: You’re Not Anxious, You’re Just Self-Absorbed

I have generalised anxiety disorder, which basically means my brain thinks it’s the director, producer, and star of a non-stop paranoia soap opera.

Every awkward thing I’ve ever said replays on a loop like a cringe highlight reel, sponsored by overthinking and bad sleep.

I’ve spent years assuming people are judging me for that one weird comment I made in 2017. They’re not. But try telling my brain that, which insists I’m the lead in Everyone Hates Me: The Musical.

Any time a manager asks to “have a chat”, I start mentally packing up my desk. Turns out, they just want my opinion on a project. The girl at the gym who always looks like she wants to fight me? I later found out she looks like that at everyone. Apparently, “resting gym face” is a thing. Even if she was giving me death stares, so what? I’ve never done anything to her. She could just be angry her training tastes like submission.

This constant overthinking has a name: the spotlight effect. It’s when we believe a giant metaphorical floodlight is focused on our every move, broadcasting our awkwardness to the world.

But the truth? Most people are too busy spiralling over their own awkwardness to care. Half are wondering if their shampoo made their hair too shiny. The other half are regretting eating 12 KitKats before Muay Thai training. No? Just me?

Breaking Free from the Spotlight

The best way to fight the spotlight effect? Remind yourself of one simple truth: people are not thinking about you that much.

That cringe thing you said? Forgotten in five minutes. That tiny mistake at work? No one noticed. That guy who didn’t wave back at you? Maybe he’s blind without his glasses. (Relatable. People wave at me for a full minute before I realise they’re not attacking.) Or maybe he was ignoring you. But honestly, if someone can’t appreciate your enthusiastic double-hand wave, that’s their character flaw, not yours.

As a sex writer, I’ve had to get comfortable with people being uncomfortable. No matter how carefully I word things, someone will always be offended. One time, I was told multiple people were upset about an article I wrote. My first reaction: shrug. I can’t control how people react to my work. My second reaction: panic. A friend didn’t smile at me that day and suddenly I was spiralling—Was it the article? Was it the joke about vibrators?

He wasn’t mad. He was probably just having a rough day. Or maybe his dog died. Or maybe he was still processing the fact that a coffee now costs over £5.

Learning to Let Go

At work, I often feel like I’m under a microscope. If I mess up, I assume everyone is whispering, “Did you see what she did?” They didn’t. They’re too busy wondering if their Teams status should say “Available” or “Losing the will to live.”

One time, in a job interview, the interviewer mentioned getting older and I blurted out, “You’re young in spirit.” Then I immediately died inside. I imagined them writing in their notes: Applicant called me old. Reject her and curse her lineage.

But in reality, they probably didn’t even hear it. They were likely thinking about what to have for dinner or if their cat was plotting their murder (it was).

The spotlight effect convinces us our mistakes are headline-worthy. But honestly? Everyone’s too distracted by their own internal chaos to remember your awkward joke or weird tone. And the faster we accept that, the freer we become.

So next time your brain starts hosting the Anxiety Olympics over something you said, remind yourself: People aren’t thinking about me nearly as much as I think they are. And if they are? That sounds like a ‘them’ problem. Probably means you’re interesting.