JUST PUBLISHED: What My Clients Really Wanted Will Shock You – And It Wasn’t Sex

It may come as a surprise to many, but sex work for me was more about connection than the act itself. Over the years I saw countless lonely, disconnected clients who were seeking companionship rather than simply looking to get their rocks off.

I feel for men of a certain era. Those in their fifties and older seem to be a forgotten generation when it comes to mental health. With so much focus on the younger generation and their struggles with the internet and the toxic side of social media, men in their fifties have taken a back seat. Yet their age group is among the highest for suicide rates.

For many years, I felt more like a sex therapist than a sex worker. It’s no surprise, given that so many men have historically struggled to express their emotions, having been told for years to ‘man up’ and show no signs of ‘weakness’. Bearing one’s soul and opening up can expose vulnerabilities, especially for men expected to appear strong and fearless, show little to no emotion and provide protection.

My clients showed me another side to that story. I saw many who were genuinely struggling — with financial pressures, feeling stuck in loveless relationships but staying together for the children, or on the other side of divorce. Some were grieving the loss of loved ones. “I was feeling really bad today until I saw you. My brother died three years ago today,” said one client as he hugged me before walking out the door. Many were going through the process of grief. Grief is strange: it arrives without warning, often just as life feels settled, and can turn our world upside down.

What’s the alternative when life becomes overwhelming? A therapist is, of course, an option — and a good one. But the difference between seeing a psychologist and seeing me was the physical contact. That skin-on-skin connection and human energy we all crave. Sometimes, even just a hug and a chat was enough to make my clients feel better.

Another client sat and read me his poetry, expressing his feelings about love, life and heartache, while I shared some of my own creativity that helped me cope with life’s burdens. Many men literally crawled through my door and cried on my shoulder. I would talk with them for hours, cup of tea in hand, about their lives, their struggles, their guilt as parents and how they felt they had failed miserably. I was a pair of ears as well as a pair of tits. What mattered was that they were listened to and felt heard. It meant a lot to them to know they had a safe space where they wouldn’t be judged. That gave them a huge sense of comfort. In a way, I became their security blanket, protecting them from the horrors of life. Being a good listener and a natural empath, I only ever wanted my clients to leave feeling better than when they arrived.

In some ways, I have found men to have less resilience than women when it comes to life’s challenges. Women are good at adapting and simply getting on with things. I certainly am. Women adjust well to living alone after a break-up, whereas men often do not. And what does that say about relationships between men and women? That women sacrifice so much of themselves for their male partners. In relationships, men have a lot to gain, whereas women have a lot to lose. It’s no surprise that so many women choose to stay single after marriage, while men are quick to jump into their next relationship and regain the nurturing benefits of being with a woman.

Naturally, I find myself asking: why are so many people — men and women alike — unhappy in their relationships? Why do we neglect those dearest to us and shut ourselves off when we are struggling? Not true for everyone, of course — there are always exceptions. But something about modern life is clearly not working for many couples. The rise in divorce rates, the decline in birth rates, and the fact that more women than ever are choosing to remain single, child-free, career-focused and independent travellers (myself included) is proof of a cultural shift. Perhaps modern, westernised culture no longer fits the ‘nuclear’ model of family life. Or perhaps the abundance of choice now open to women has left many men feeling shut out, emasculated and uncertain of their purpose in an ever-changing, fast-paced world.