JUST PUBLISHED: How to stop being a ‘Spotlight Sufferer’

Celebrities including Lady Gaga, Adele and Ryan Reynolds have spoken openly about the anxiety that having to live in the public gaze causes them.

But this feeling isn’t something exclusive to A-listers. In fact, millions of ordinary Brits spend their lives feeling like they are forever in the spotlight, worrying about how they are being perceived and judged.

I can relate as since childhood, I’ve worried incessantly about what people think of me. I constantly assume others are judging me, talking behind my back, or secretly disliking me for something I said or did. It feels as though my brain is running a 24/7 reality TV show where I am the unwilling star.

This phenomenon is known as the ‘spotlight effect’: the tendency to overestimate how much other people notice about us. We convince ourselves that every mistake, awkward moment, or foolish joke is under a glaring spotlight.

While some people, like me, are chronic sufferers of the spotlight effect, we all experience this at some level, whether it’s obsessing over an awkward comment in a meeting or feeling like everyone at the gym is judging our form. At its worst, it can be crippling, affecting your daily routine, relationships, and wellbeing.

The spotlight effect is deeply rooted in human psychology. As social creatures, we have evolved to be acutely aware of our reputation within a group. Our ancestors relied on social bonding for survival, so being shut out could mean life or death. While the risks of social rejection today are not nearly as extreme, our brains still react as if they are.

Cognitive biases also play a significant role. We are the central character in our own lives, experiencing our thoughts, emotions, and actions in high definition. Because we are so immersed in our own experiences, we assume others must be paying close attention to us as well.

Moreover, anxiety amplifies the spotlight effect. When we are anxious, our brains go into overdrive, searching for potential threats – and social rejection feels like one of the biggest threats of all. This heightened sensitivity makes us more likely to fixate on our perceived shortcomings, leading us to believe that everyone else is there taking notes.

However, in reality, most people are simply not that observant or are too caught up in their own lives to care. If you don’t believe what I’m saying, Barry Manilow reveals the truth. Or, more accurately, a t-shirt of theCopacabanasinger.

Some years back, a team of psychologists conducted what is now known as the Barry Manilow T-Shirt Experiment. People were asked to wear a tee featuring the pop star and then estimate how many others noticed it. They predicted that approximately half would notice but, in reality, only about one in five did.

The lesson is simple: We tend to grossly overestimate just how much others pay attention to us. And that’s one of the most effective ways to combat the spotlight effect – reminding yourself that people are not thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. That awkward comment you made in a conversation? The other person probably forgot about it five minutes later. The small mistake you made at work? No one else noticed. The guy who did not wave back at you? Maybe he is as blind as a bat without his glasses, like me.

As an adult romance and sex writer, as well as a spotlight sufferer, I have to remember that I cannot control other people’s reactions. Writing about sex is particularly challenging in a world where taboos still exist. No matter how carefully I phrase things, someone will always take offence.

Once, I was informed that multiple people were upset about an article I had written. My initial reaction was indifference – I am not responsible for how people react to my work. But then paranoia set in. A friend who usually smiles at me failed to do so one day, and my mind spiralled: Is he angry about my article?

In reality, his reaction had nothing to do with me. Maybe he had had a rough day. Maybe his dog had died. Maybe he was simply standing there questioning why a cup of coffee now costs £5.50. My article was likely the last thing on his mind, if it had registered at all.

So next time you catch yourself obsessing over a minor mistake, remind yourself: People are not thinking about me nearly as much as I think they are. And if they are? Well, that is their problem, not yours.

Overcoming the distorted glare of the spotlight effect takes practice, but once you have done so, you’ll step off the never-ending red carpet and back into a more contented, anxiety-free life.

Six Simple Tips to Reduce the Spotlight Effect

If you often feel like all eyes are on you, here are six practical strategies to help shift your perspective:

Use the ‘10-10-10 rule.’ Ask yourself, will this matter in ten minutes? Ten days? Ten years? Most of the time, the answer will be a resounding no.

Reality-check your thoughts. Ask yourself, “If someone else did what I just did, would I judge them as harshly as I am judging myself?” The answer is probably no.

Focus on others, not yourself. Instead of fixating on your own perceived flaws, pay attention to what others are saying and doing. Engaging genuinely in conversations helps break the self-centred loop of anxiety.

Remind yourself how little you remember about others’ mistakes. Can you recall the last awkward thing a colleague or friend did? If not, chances are they do not remember yours either.

Adopt a sense of humour. Embrace awkward moments with laughter. If you trip in public, joke about it. If you say something embarrassing, own it with a smile. People appreciate authenticity more than perfection.

Challenge perfectionism. Nobody is flawless, and expecting yourself to be is unrealistic. Allow yourself to make mistakes and move on rather than dwelling on them.